How could you do that, how could you be so stupid? If you find yourself asking your partner, your kids, your whoever these questions, you are part of the problem. I know, it’s shitty to hear, but it’s true.
It automatically puts them on the defense, it fuels the need to put walls up and be “right” and it won’t produce any fruitful or productive answers. It’s time to change your dialog. To elevate the conversation into a space where healing takes place and answers can be found. “You messed up. What are you going to do to fix it?” This eliminates the blame game. It calls a thing a thing and presents itself for what it is. It puts the focus on solution instead of back and forth, unhelpful banter.
Whenever you get more than one person into a space for an extended amount of time, like in a relationship, for example. There will be disagreements because you are setting up people on the same path but equipped with different life experience, different tool boxes, different coping mechanisms, etc. They will not deal with the same situation in the same way, once we can realize this and see it for what it is, fighting becomes communication, becomes appreciation, becomes a fruitful partnership. Feeling and expressing all your feelings is important, holding space for your partner while they feel feelings, feeling feelings together without blame, shame or being an asshole will change the way you interact in a positive way. When we cease to see “your side; my side” and instead look at things objectively, working together building on the others skills, helping with weaknesses, everybody wins.
Partnership doesn’t just apply to a significant other, but allrelationships in our lives, every encounter. How can you elevate your relationships today?
Let’s get rid of the idea that the size of a thing is the measure of its power? Just because children are in tiny bodies doesn’t mean they are less important or less or anything. How do you measure “Power”? Your physical strength over another being? I think that’s pretty gross. If you feel powerful when making others feel small or by controlling them physically without their consent, it’s criminal. Hurting children to make them behave, to do what you want is actually really narcissistic and abusive because you are basing everyone else’s existence on your perceived morals, not actual facts. What if what is best for you or what you think is best for you is not serving the person that your child is? Why isn’t that the moral dilemma? You are not raising mini mes and to do so is to break the spirit of another human, forcing them to fall in line or respect you based on fear. And you think that is what “respect” looks like.
No wonder my generation is riddled with anxiety and depression, the fear instilled in us has crippled our greatness. And I absolutely believe it stems from the twisted idea that fear was more respectful than love. More practical, more useful.
Respect is based on compassion. To see another person and realize the humanity you both share in having a human experience, not because of what they do or don’t do, because they exist on earth, it is not something that needs to be earned. Everyone deserves respect. EVERYONE DESERVES RESPECT. It takes nothing from you to send a loving thought to an enemy.
Slug of Atmosphere said it best “Do ya thang, Honey, as long as your thing ain’t got a single thing to do with me.” Respect your boundaries. Respect the boundaries of others.
Because what are we teaching our children about social interactions when we judge people based on the decisions they make about their own lives? They don’t deserve respect because of how they live? That is so strange to me, because people are accountable for their own actions and no one else’s. Your kids are listening when you speak fear and hatred. They also listen when you speak love and compassion. Work to change your dialog. Listen to yourself talk.
Respect all life, starting with your children, show them that even the smallest creatures deserve respect and that love does not EVER include violence.
One day, Ezekiel came up to me and he asked “Mom, do I make you sad?” I said, “No way, love. You don’t MAKE me anything, I am in control of my own emotions. Just like you don’t you make me happy. I am in charge of my own happiness. I love being with you, you make life so fun, but you are not in charge of making me happy.
He said” Oh, well sometimes I get mad at you.”
I say: “I totally get that, I get mad too sometimes, but it’s not because of you. I am in charge of my reactions, just like you are. We can still be friends and be mad at each other. We just have to talk it out, that’s all.”
So, no, my kids don’t make me happy or sad or mad, only I have the power to do that for myself. Looking within instead of looking without, nothing of worth will come of that. My house doesn’t crumble dependent on anyone else but me. All my power is for me and I find freedom and power in knowing that.
So, when I ask Ezekiel is I make him happy and he answers “NO.” Then I have given him the tools to create a full life for himself and that is all I can ever do for my kids. We are not half of a whole, we are not waiting to be completed. We are whole the day we are born.
Be conscious in your speech, your emotions and your choices, even with your kids. ❤
I think some people wonder how there can be discipline without force or a giant show of authority.
It’s really quite simple. Science and the universe have already sorted that out for us. You can take your ego, fear and sense of ownership out of the entire equation.
“Every action has a reaction.”
The Golden Rule. “Treat people how you would like to be treated.”
“Never impose on others what you would not choose for yourself.”
“Regard your neighbor’s gain as your own gain, and your neighbor’s loss as your own loss.”
That is the only compass one needs for morality and It’s easy to see why, but I will explain it anyway.
Would you want someone to hit you every time you did something they told you not to? Probably not. How about yell and throw their weight around when they don’t feel you are listening or shame you for your decisions etc. etc. etc. The Golden Rule. Applies as much to parenthood as it should in every day life dealing with peers and adults.
An example of what this active discipline looks like happened here just minutes ago:
Ezekiel ripped a page out of a book, he had to go lay down on the bed and we talked about how every action has a reaction and a consequence. A hug will receive a hug. Ripping out a page in a book will receive a time out. You -can- do whatever you want, but you are not free from the consequences of your actions. It is important to be respectful of your things. Then I had his fat cheeked baby wristed body repeat “Every action has a consequence” twice.
No big show, no big deal. We talk like adults and, dare I say the four lettered word in the child/parent relation paradigm, we talk like friends. I respect him because he is a person and will teach him that all living things deserve respect because of their existence. Not because their age or size or because they have “earned it”. You earn respect by being alive. I suppose that is a blog for another day…
Be conscious in your relationships. Be conscious in discipline. Live life on purpose.