How did I get here? Old stories of a girl who met her soulmate at thirteen.

This isn’t a pleasant story with a feel good ending. The nature of a soul mate is that the connection is electric, intense, all consuming. Having a relationship of that nature at such a young age was confusing …for everyone.

I know, I know, first loves are always intense, but this was different. This was the result of a soul contract, we agreed to meet in this lifetime before we got here. Feeling these emotions at thirteen was overwhelming, hearing “You can’t fall in love that young. You don’t love each other, you don’t even know what love is at thirteen.” I did and it was a beautiful and awful adventure and I will never discount anyone’s level of feeling love based on their age, what a silly concept, really.

This is a very long story that I will overwhelming shorten considerably and jump to the aftermath of what happened, not because it hurts, but because I am so far removed from this story, it feels like I’m telling someone else’s. I spent years healing from these wounds and holding this girl that went through this trauma. She is tired and the version you see of me is grateful for her strength but I am not that person.

After a while of living in this tornado of emotions, my mother forbid me from seeing him, this is where my life fell apart. Not just because of this, but it was certainly a catalyst to open the floodgates of trying to be my own person living in deep codependency with a person you didn’t cross or upset.

This is where the self depreciating behavior started, cutting, punching, hurting myself and actually, when I started stretching my ears because of the pain. I didn’t want to be on earth most of the time, I was fucking trapped in this body, in this house, in this family, on this planet. I was alone. I realized later that, being a Medium and having absolutely not grasp of the spirit world or any boundaries, there were many tormented spirits tormenting me because it was easy. I was failing school. My very expensive seventh grade education. I either had A’s or F’s so this lead everyone to think I was lazy, which lead to counselor after counselor, which lead to discovering I couldn’t read. I was diagnosed with autism, general anxiety disorder, ADHD, PTSD, depression and even borderline personality at one point. This lead to the medicine. Adderall. Made me as numb as I wanted to be. Made me a robot, it saved me because I felt invisible, I didn’t FEEL anything! What magic is this?!

As time went on and I was just existing, not feeling started to get weird, so I would do things to feel. The cutting got worse. The “cries for help” the “you just want attention” well, for someone to notice me drowning would have been nice, but I just wanted to feel.

I transferred schools here and there, this is where my eyesight went bad, I am pretty convinced it was a result of me wanting to not live my life and wanting so badly to escape that I didn’t even want to see what my life had become and my body responded. The anxiety got worse. The diagnosis this time: Agoraphobia.

I would get somewhere and panic in the parking lot, I would panic so much that I would black out.

I remember my first panic attack, I fell to the ground so hard that I had to have surgery on the ear I busted open. I was thirteen. Then I had one every day since then.

Amidst this shit show, my family attended what you would call a “mega church” and in our family church wasn’t what you would call “optional”  I would sob every Saturday night. I would hide in the closet. But I wanted to be good so bad that I would go. Two tabs of Klonopin and I would go.

This is what life looked like for a long time. I met another boy, because codependents will codependent! I thought he saved me from a lot of things, but it just gave me something else to think about. Around this time I got a service dog, she really did save me. I was able to leave my house, my yard, but not go far because my disease wasn’t physical and people would ask questions, people would look at me and tell mall security that I had a dog in the mall. They would ask me to leave because while I knew the ADA inside and out and while I had it written on her service dog card, I was already sweating through my shirt, I was already chocking for air and I was already defeated. But we could go some places and we did. And she saved me.

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I would like to conclude this here and perhaps continue another day. I would also like people to know that soul mates always have a purpose, but that doesn’t mean they need to be part of your life forever. You don’t owe anyone for the good times, especially after they turn toxic, which often happens. It is the universe saying “this contract has ended, it’s time to move on.” I thank that boy I met, I later learned why we agreed to meet, he wanted to save me from something that would have been more traumatic, and truthfully, he was the only thing that kept me alive for several years. I knew something so beautiful still existed through the unbearable weight of all the pain. Love. What a blessing through such trials. The contract has ended, we will never see each other again and if we did, I am healed. I am no longer that person.

Spiders and our shadow selves

One thing is for certain, animals are here to help us with our journey, the help us to realize different sides of ourselves, any time you see an animal or insect, they have a message for you.

Spiders show us that we create our own lives, we weave our webs and we are in control of their patterns. Spiders also remind us of our shadow side, the part of us we like to keep hidden from view, the part of us we keep in the dark with the door locked.

The message I got today when I was in meditation was; How you interact with spiders is how you interact with that part of yourself. Do you lash out in rage at any reminder of your shadow self? Do you run away screaming? They urge us to examine and nurture. The shadow is the side of ourselves that needs love and attention. When we catch a glimpse, do we give our shadows the power to set our heart rates to the sky and ruin our day?

Spiders are just living their lives, they are here for our benefit, they hold messages about the relationships in your life that aren’t working, things you give power to by ignoring. When you see a spider, examine. Relocate. Release. Just as the feelings they represent.

This is what the spider teaches us.

“We are dying because you are afraid of us. But what you really fear is facing yourself.”

To examine the things in ourselves that we feel shame about objectively, without guilt or turmoil, to hold our inner child and breathe life into the situations that created our shadows, to see why, to bask in the sun and to take our power back from the things we keep hidden. To break the lock on the door and work WITH that half of yourself, join it with the person you want everyone to know you are.

There is no shame in the spiritual journey and Spiders want us to remind us to remain calm and observe.. Thank you, Spider wisdom, for encouraging us to look inward at the story we are weaving for ourselves and reminding us to shed light on what we keep hidden.

Living in Love

The only thing I have come to care about is being happy, people don’t understand when I say “I do whatever I want”, they have a filter of it being selfish, narcissistic, even. It is so foreign with how we were raised: to be living a life, to be a successful member of society, you have to  pay our dues, we were told “You can’t be a successful artist, you won’t make any money” “Go to college, get a stable job” and that was just what we all tried to do, and we drown in monotonous sadness. We wake up every morning swimming in anxiety and depression because we are afraid of life. We don’t feel supported, we don’t trust ourselves, we don’t love ourselves. Our ability to take charge of our lives and truly live was stifled out of us because that is the way the machine works. We were told we would do great things, we would change the world, and that’s fine, but, let me tell you, I have no problem being and feeling ordinary. I flourish and become who I am when I realize that these “great things” I was supposed to be doing can include raising my kids, being the parent they need instead of trying to change them. Getting out of bed and being happy, watching a show on netflix…or a whole season, because that brings me joy and that is the GREATEST thing I could ever do for myself, my kids, my family and the world.

So, it is exactly what I said, I truly only do what I want, I only do what I love do, I LIVE in love, so paying bills, taking my kids somewhere I don’t particularly enjoy (Chuck E. Cheese, anyone?) Having conflicts with people, getting a parking ticket…I love it, because I am putting love into the situation.

I take away joy and lessons and beauty from every circumstance. I got to park 2 spots away from the beach for 7 hours (in 2 hour parking, oops!) For 50 bux, worth it! I got to argue and gain insight about myself and the other person showed me exactly what their intentions are whether meaning to or not, how great! I watch my money disappear with an expensive bill, awesome! I am supporting myself and my wonderful life for another month and will receive joy in return! When I say “I do whatever I want” it is not the same as a person acting out hate, fear, etc. I don’t do it at the detriment of other people, it may make people uncomfortable, but I don’t have a problem with causing people to question themselves. I love bringing new perspective and the idea that you don’t HAVE to do things just because that’s how you have been doing them. Change your mind! You don’t have to live in your parents beliefs, you don’t have to have those friends you hate or go tolerate that person that drains you.

As a result of the work I have put in, knowledge of self, seeking my shadows, getting to know the side of myself I didn’t want anyone to know about. Sorting through my pain and keeping my ego in check. Healing my inner child wounds. THE painful WORK. Because of how I choose to live my life. I put love into it, I give love to everything I do, and I make sure the choices I am making are making me happy.

This doesn’t mean I don’t feel sadness or anger or any other completely healthy emotion, that is part of the human experience! I work WITH my emotions, I find out where they are coming from, I sit with them and feel them without judging myself, because being a human is hard, but that is the thing you realize when you live in love, just because something is hard, doesn’t mean it’s bad. Just because something doesn’t feel good, doesn’t mean it’s bad. Lessons, I called this situation to me because I am the God of my story, I will learn more about myself through struggles, I am empowered to insert love into every situation because I believe I created it (I am only in charge of my reactions, not other people’s actions.) for my soul growth. So, Love, Love Love, speak your truth and Yes, I do WHATEVER the fuck I want, because, happiness. ❤

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I can help you get started on your work. Email me at thehealedmother@gmail.com

Discipline.

I think some people wonder how there can be discipline without force or a giant show of authority.

It’s really quite simple. Science and the universe have already sorted that out for us. You can take your ego, fear and sense of ownership out of the entire equation.

“Every action has a reaction.”

 

The Golden Rule. “Treat people how you would like to be treated.”

“Never impose on others what you would not choose for yourself.”

“Regard your neighbor’s gain as your own gain, and your neighbor’s loss as your own loss.”

That is the only compass one needs for morality and It’s easy to see why, but I will explain it anyway.

Would you want someone to hit you every time you did something they told you not to? Probably not. How about yell and throw their weight around when they don’t feel you are listening or shame you for your decisions etc. etc. etc. The Golden Rule. Applies as much to parenthood as it should in every day life dealing with peers and adults.

An example of what this active discipline looks like happened here just minutes ago:

Ezekiel ripped a page out of a book, he had to go lay down on the bed and we talked about how every action has a reaction and a consequence. A hug will receive a hug. Ripping out a page in a book will receive a time out. You -can- do whatever you want, but you are not free from the consequences of your actions. It is important to be respectful of your things. Then I had his fat cheeked baby wristed body repeat “Every action has a consequence” twice.

No big show, no big deal. We talk like adults and, dare I say the four lettered word in the child/parent relation paradigm, we talk like friends. I respect him because he is a person and will teach him that all living things deserve respect because of their existence. Not because their age or size or because they have “earned it”. You earn respect by being alive. I suppose that is a blog for another day…

Be conscious in your relationships. Be conscious in discipline. Live life on purpose.

April 2016 266

 

It’s Time.

This has been a time of swift transformation and discovering myself as an alchemist. I am no longer the person I was a year ago and not even a shadow of who I was two years ago. Change is constant. I have been launched onto my path to my authentic self. The next step is upon me.

Transformation so great calls for new definitions. Leaving behind old ideas, being reborn. I am called to be reborn unto this earth with my new spirit. I shed my name, a name that served me well for 27 years, I honor that name and the connections it has made for me. I send love and light to my old vibration and cut the cord of all that does not serve me. My new vibration calls for a breakthrough.

My name is Amethyst. I am new, I am pure, I am light. I speak my truth under my new title and there is no looking back.

For centuries, when people go through an intense spiritual rebirth, source changes their name. It’s my time.

Amethyst holds many characteristics that I will strive for and describes me perfectly.

“In the psychic and spiritual realms, amethyst is an excellent all-purpose stone that can increase spirituality and enhance intuition and psychic powers of all kinds. It does this by making a clear connection between the earth plane and other planes and worlds. Amethyst is also excellent for meditation and lucid dreaming. It is used to open one’s channels to telepathy, past life regression, clairaudience, clairvoyance, and communication with angels. Amethyst also protects against psychic attacks, especially during spiritual work”

This is my new life, thank you for sharing it with me.

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My Greatest Teachers

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I can’t even express all the lessons I have learned in the last four years from my children. Everything I am currently, has been because of their influence.

Allow. Release. Ego.

These all have a new and profound meaning since my little people showed me the way life should be.

Live in the moment! We have been conditioned to believe that BUSY is good, productive, desirable. But is it? My children teach me that great joy is found in little busyness. Find the joy in a moment of staring at the clouds, comparing the feel of two bits of cloth (Ezekiel’s favorite), examining just how a straw works, following the cracks of a sidewalk or just looking at your hand! Your amazing hand! And they always make sure I look, too. “Look what I can do, mom! I am strong for that” As he’s picking up a toy with his fantastic hand.

The most productive days I have are when I’m with them and we are just all together being ourselves living in no one’s judgement.

Allow. By simply allowing my kid’s behavior to teach ME lessons, I give myself the gift and the freedom to observe life in a new way. Release. To acknowledge that my kids know more than me, put my ego on the back burner and just be free to learn.

Feelings are valid, we deserve love and validation because we exist

Isn’t it true then, that children long for connection instead of being put away by themselves alone for the very feelings they have no idea how to express…or maybe they know exactly the way to express them and that it uncomfortable for us as society because we have “rules” before us that make no sense in the fist place.

Allow yourself to have fun, to remember a time when you felt comfortable, safe and free. (before all these societal ideas, perhaps?) We are born perfect, kids carry perfect DNA. It’s only after we are born that they may not fit Society’s made up idea of perfection.

I have learned to allow my kids to embarrass me, because it’s not about me at all. THEY know their limitlessness. We have forgotten how that feels. Self consciousness, embarrassment,  is a societal flaw, not a human one. We have been taught to be in competition with each other instead of seeing humanity for what it once was, one of One. We are all connected by our humanness. That connection is ageless.

A toddler screaming on the floor of a department store isn’t trying to be embarrassing, they are trying to feel heard. HEAR THEM. Create a dialogue of inclusion instead of authority. Set boundaries before you go somewhere, remind them of those boundaries every few minutes around the store as needed, TALK to your kids from a place of love and they will respond the same.

It’s all about actions. When kids are upset, it’s quite apparent. Instead of passive aggressive jabs, they lay it all out, immediately. And you know what’s lovely? They address the problem, immediately. And then they get over it, immediately. They don’t sulk for days or hint around that they are maybe possibly mad. (until they’ve been taught to by action) Get it out, get on with it and HEAL.

My greatest teachers may be in tiny bodies, but they have divine, wise souls, as all children do. I am so thankful that they were up for the challenge of coming with me on this journey to deconstruct every idea that I have ever had in order to become a new, whole person. We are partners/equals working toward creating and healing our world with LOVE.

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Why my mom left me.

Why my mom left me.

Life started out as any other. Mom was my moon and stars and she remained that for the rest of our time together. Everything she did was good and everything she said was true. As I got older, being the youngest child, our codependency became apparent, just not to me and maybe not to her.

We were like Christmas lights that have been in storage for twenty years, like neglected fishing line. We were the same pea in a pod.

Until we weren’t. I could feel her pulling, I felt rejected, but I was twenty-one at the time and thought that’s what it felt like to finally grow up (even after being out of the house to pursue a starter marriage at 18.)

Things felt increasingly tight at home and shortly after the bomb dropped. My parents were divorcing. I felt like I had failed because I felt like I was the one holding it together, becoming the glue so I didn’t see my mom uncomfortable and sad.

These lyrics always spoke to me “I studied my mother, I digested her pain.”

What do you get when your parents separate later in life? It’s not two Christmases! It’s a lot of questions and was my childhood even real?

Wading through the loss of “Family” was dark and difficult, but we would get through it and define it in a new way, right?

Things got worse and the rift between us got bigger. I felt her energy turn spiteful towards me and this was confirmed when she came over one day and was on a mission to call me a liar for something that was completely true. She told my family I was mentally unstable and that hurt me and all the progress I had made from being a mentally unstable teen, but was also a total believable lie to anyone who had known me in that time. During that encounter, I knew I had lost my mom. She no longer cared for my well being. That’s the place I was in at that time. I cried for weeks.

After that, life went on and I didn’t hear from her. A year later I found out that I was pregnant with her first Grandchild. I decided to reach out. The phone call was good, she was excited, I thought this might be the thing that brings her back, but it wasn’t. Going through pregnancy without your mother is lonely. All these questions you have and all these ideas you shared growing up of her helping you along and passing on knowledge didn’t happen for me.

I called her when I arrived at the hospital, expecting that she would want to come to meet him. She didn’t.

She chose not to hold my babies or hear them giggle. She doesn’t watch them grow  or hold their sweet bodies

In my first year of being a mom, I grew and had a lot of healing, I was able to see that it was a blessing to start from scratch, no input or opinions to uphold, I was able to be the exact kind of mother I wanted to be, I saw how freeing that was.

In her absence, I have learned a lot about my mom.

For a long time I judged her for leaving, I was angry and confused, But she felt the same way. She needed a new life and that didn’t include us.

From suffocation to freedom.

From pain to prosperity. From feeling weak to feeling joy.

That is my hope for my mom.

In this Seven year journey, I have become a different person. Exactly who I was meant to be, I can only hope she’s out there doing the same.