Do it Afraid.

I understand that it is hard to make changes. I understand that your normal is still your normal no matter how toxic it is and how much it hurts you. It’s the fear of what next, it’s the fear of failure, it’s the fear of leaving things that make you comfortable. “I will never find anyone to love me as a single mom” “I’ll never make it on my own” and other lies we tell ourselves. It comes down to fear and not thinking we don’t deserve any better. The cycle of dysfunction in a relationship, the “Only every 6 months he drinks too much and spirals out of control.” or “only about once a month, we fight like that…..I can handle  once a year, once a month, once a week.” The cycle that will never stop unless you decide you want off the ride.

There is a quote I love “Sometimes…fear does not subside and…one must choose to do it afraid.”

Choose to do it afraid. You are worth more than those friends who talk about you behind your back, you are worth more than your mother or family member doing things for you just to get things in return, you are WORTH MORE. And you don’t owe anyone for being nice to you, People are their own sovereign beings and they have the power to do things because they choose too, you do not owe them. YOU DO NOT OWE THEM.

You are not chained to relationships just because they helped you through hard times years ago. We attract people into our lives for a purpose, sometimes the purpose is short lived and it is time to release. You are not obligated to continue to drain yourself for something that is no longer working. If your relationships do not grow and change and serve who you are NOW, it is okay to honor (I thank you for all the things you have shown me, I thank you for the lessons and the good times.) and release.

And this isn’t just about relationships, it’s about anything in your life. Believing you are worthy is no small task, when you have been in these cycles, when you have grown up believing the opposite. But it is also not impossible.

 

Finding motivation for change:

If you don’t want to break the cycle for you, do it for someone you love, or even imagine someone you love while you do it. You would not want this life for your daughter, niece, son, cat, dog, so, imagine that you are them. Make decisions while thinking of them and use it to find your strength.

Positive Affirmations:

Speak life into yourself. It’s okay if you don’t believe it at first, but stay consistent and I promise you will notice a difference. You have been downing yourself for years, so why not try something new? “I am worthy of love” “I deserve love because I exist.” “I am strong and capable.” “I can do anything I put my mind to.” “I deserve a life I love.” Into the mirror. All day long. To yourself. This calls attention to your speech. This wakes you up and holds you accountable for the things you say. Replace the “I can’t” The  “I’m so stupid” With words of love. Refuse to bully yourself. “I am smart.” “It’s okay to make mistakes.”

Boundaries:

It is essential to create boundaries in your life and it is even more essential to require that the people in your life respect those boundaries. Find your voice. “No, actually that’s not okay.” “I would prefer if you didn’t” Be an advocate for yourself. This is will feel uncomfortable at first, do it anyway. Once you establish boundaries, you are opening up the fact that you DO matter. You are speaking your needs and people will eventually hear you or they will not be allowed in your life. It’s a process, start small, create your new comfort zone brick by brick.

Change is hard, it’s uncomfortable, it’s terrifying, but you are worth it. You really do deserve a life that you love and it is absolutely possible.

-Amethyst

 

 

Motherhood is not martyrdom

I woke up one day and realized I was drowning. The kids were about one and two, I was nursing them both and felt like I haven’t stopped to think for nearly a year. I was touched out, stressed out and I realized that I was blaming the children. I resented my children.

I would scream, “If we are a team, why are my needs always shit on, why does nobody care about what I want?” But in realizing this was my light bulb OH MY GOSH moment because, this was not my children’s fault. This was my fault. I was not honoring my own space, I was willingly giving them whatever of myself whenever they asked . I gave them all my power, all my essence. I thought this was what being a mother was. But, you guys, I was wrong. What good would come of resenting my kids? What good would come of me giving everything away and waking up the next morning raw, touched out and angry? We all deserved better.

So I started making boundaries, I started speaking my needs and my throat chakra spun for the first time in….ever?

When Ezekiel asked to nurse (I still nursed Escher on demand, mostly) and I wasn’t ready I would say “I am not going to give you milk right now, but how about we cuddle? How about you play with XYZ toy or how about a big hug?”  No more tugging on my shirt and me stopping everything no matter what. There were tears at first and I would say “I need you to respect my body. I am a person and my body belongs to me.” This paved the way for many important lessons about body autonomy that without my boundaries, with my self martyrdom, would not have occurred.

It is essential to maintain a sense of self as a mother, especially a mother of young kids. You are still you, a different version perhaps, but that’s the fun, growing up WITH your kid into another part of yourself,  discovering a new strength through hobbies. Follow your passions. This will do more for your children than sacrificing everything for your kids ever will. They will see you happy, they will see you as an individual, and believe me, they will begin to respect your boundaries when you are persistent and then build their own boundaries and it is a BEAUTIFUL thing.

You will be a mom forever, but you will be yourself even longer. If you continue to fill yourself and follow your bliss while the children grow, you won’t have to face the absolute terrifying heartache when your kids grow up and move out of WHO AM I, WHAT GOOD AM I. You won’t hate your kids for stealing your “good” years, for making decisions in life that YOU actually chose to make. You work together as individuals and you both grow.

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