I’m not about pretending. Not about that fake life, it took a lot of fucking work to align who I wanted to be, who I felt like I was and who I actually am. A lot of fucking work, even with the best of intentions, I was fragmented. I lived my life with bags full of masks for every occasion, stemming from the root problem of not feeling good enough. It takes so much extra effort to be the best version of whoever you are around at the time, behave in a way they would like or accept you best. That’s friendship, right? Pattern on repeat for a lifetime.
A beautiful thing happens when all the parts of yourself merge into one authentic entity. You can lose the baggage you constantly carry, the thoughts that are forever scratching at the back of your mind, the idea that any version of you won’t do or that it isn’t good enough.
I am messily me. To know myself, it took years of sorting through my pain, insecurities, self loathing. It took years of forgiving people that weren’t sorry, holding a younger version of myself and sitting in the dark, sobbing. Holding space for myself at all ages and stages. Finding my power, picking up the pieces that were violently shaken out of me along the way or that I peeled off myself thinking “no one will like that part” “that will never do me any good”
It’s an interesting process of washing your authenticity raw and burying your true self under miles of protection. Raw and protected. But, when you realize that the protection is actually hurting you, it’s heavy to carry, it’s the burden you tried to avoid….what the fuck do you do now? Most continue living with it, most choose to pretend because that’s instantly easier, but it comes with a lifetime of pain. Shame. Why me.
Be the bravest version of yourself. You are worth it. Dig yourself out of the foundation you left yourself in. Start new. Burn it down. Feel it. Be alive. Be yourself, truly, fully.
You CAN have it all, you can align with who you want to be instead of feeling like you are swimming toward that version of yourself against the tide and not even moving. Struggling to remain in the same, exhausting spot (life). Burn it down. You are the Phoenix.
art by: jojoesart.deviantart
I offer healing and life path readings to jump start you on your journey. email firstname.lastname@example.org for questions