As it Was Meant

It has been a great honor to hold the hands of those filled with grief, to guide them to their loved ones, to feel the ultimate embrace of unconditional love. For those souls who spent time earthside and for those preparing their journeys.

So when opportunity came to do a spirit baby reading for Jordan Peterson-DeRosier , I leapt at the chance. To my delight she was excited and the rest can be found in her blog post.

Thank you for the opportunity, it was incredible to navigate with you. I remain thankful for the work I do and to the endless support that exists all around us both seen and unseen.

Life of DeRosiers

Last week our friend Amethyst reached out and offered to do a reading for us to check in with Phoenix. I was thrilled with this, as I have always found inspiration and strength in viewing Amethyst’s life journey. She is an incredible human being with a soul absolutely in touch with those around her.

To give some background:

Amethyst and Justin grew up together and stayed in touch over the years through adulthood. Shortly after experiencing my second miscarriage, Amethyst went through her own. We talked to each other throughout our tragedy at the time, and were both overjoyed when we were both able to tell the other we were expecting again. Me with Sloan, she with her daughter Eponine. We were due only a few weeks apart, she before me. It turned out that Sloan arrived earth side first, and Eponine only days later.

Both of our December babies…

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Holding on to some relationships be like…

Pretend you are growing in a womb. Putting yourself together, being formed.

The only friend and companion you have ever known is the placenta, the giver of life. The source of your entire world, the bringer of nourishment.

Your pillow, your comfort, your connection.


Then birth happens and the cord is severed, often abruptly, and you are taken from the only home you have known and that placenta you have loved and that loved you is often discarded or used in a new way.


We know the cycle of birth before hand, but what if we didn’t know it was 10 months? It could be a pretty traumatic event to be separated from what sustained life for you, to move on, to thank that relationship and move forward.

But it MUST, or things will get putrid, toxic. We CANNOT stay connected to this organ any longer.

This is what we we do with relationships. What seems like violent ends was always going to be, NEEDS to be. The end of a contract, the end of a cycle that we are not consciously aware of. Free yourself to examine relationships, to evaluate, discard, readjust, use in a new way. Life is a series of cycles, move freely in that.

​Lets talk about vampiric readers for a moment, but not too long.



What are they?

When a reading takes place, what the reader is looking at is energy. During this process, there can be negative energy that is present in the client or comes in another way throughout the reading. (another topic)  A skilled reader can choose to transmute this energy or create a barrier around them so they don’t take it in.  A vampiric reader does not do this and also takes the good. The vampiric reader takes your life source to become whole.

This can happen with or without the reader even knowing.

When the reader has not done the work to become soverign. When they have emotional wounds that crave healing.

Because of this voilation, the client may feel really good directly after the reading and then experience a crash a couple days later. I am not talking about the necessary detox that occurs after a reading or a healing, that is he natural process of lifetime blocks being drained from the body. I am talking about a complete fatigue crash that lasts for days.

They take your life source because they are not operating whole. Energy is nothing to be complacent about which is why it is so important to be properly trained.
Since Vampiric readers have no boundaries, they cannot transmute. They also feel really good after a reading because they have fed, but, they often take on negative energy from the client or what is attached to the client and they get sick and feel drained in waves.

I have been training years for this. I do not need anything from my clients. I operate from a healed space. I come to the session whole, I am self sustaining. I cleanse my physical and energetic body before every session. I connect from a vibration of powerful life source within me that I maintain on my own. I show up for you. I have done the work so that nothing in you ever has to do the work for me.

There are so many compassionate, skilled and sovereign readers out there, always trust yourself in finding one, which you are pretty good at because you just found me:


Not all heros wear capes. Sometimes they wear diapers and have tantrums.

If you begin your parenting journey thinking your kids ruined your “good times,” your friendships, your old way of life, you are going to have a bad time. You must realize that we agreed to this shift. That is why our children come to us, because wether we know it or not, we called them here.

To bring negativity to this dynamic is to resist the opportunity that our children so daringly bring. The beautiful and powerful shift to propel you forward in your life.


I invite you to see the parent/child dynamic as I have come to in my studies, in my awakening, in my removal of the mask over my eyes, you would do nothing but thank your children. All day long. Instead of perpetuate the low perspective that they drain you in any way. When you look at it in that way, it is the filter of which you will see everything about them.  This is the breeding ground for exhaustion and resentment. What a disservice to our greatest teachers.

They come in knowing everything about the most authentic version of ourselves and yet we insist on being bogged down by defeat we have learned to accept over the years. The not being good enough, the settling for mediocre relationships, the dysfunction we have accrued. We hang onto it with clenched fists and our children try so hard to transmute it into love and all we can see is that they take from us. They are not taking!! They are putting in you in touch with your limitless, it has been taken from you, forgotten, taught out of you. All they ask is that we let it go and all we can say is shit like “terrible twos”

No. They are moving up into their Solar Plexus, exploring their personal power. Look how beautifully demanding that child is. Is it time for you to speak your needs? Is it time for you to stop doing shit you hate? To flat out refuse participation? Is it time for you to scream no or scream to be seen by life? Holy shit, thank you child, for changing everything. For drawing attention to the bullshit I have been putting up with for a lifetime. They will cause such a rift between you and it, you will clash like thunder. Let it go.20170908_163808.jpg

Recentering. Healing wounds through parenting and travel.

Recentering. Healing wounds through parenting and travel.

I’ve been on this huge journey this summer in terms of ways I can be better with my kids, I got into this uncomfortable “normal” a few months ago where I was in a mindset that my 4 and 5 year old were just annoying me. Not fair to them, not fair to me. So we went on a trip together and I got off social media and I just devoted all my time to being grateful for them, thanking them and being present. It was just the four of us for 2 months and it was magic, being able to be mindful in shifting my perspective. We got back and the kids did a couple really shitty, expensive fucking up of things and while I didn’t yell, I said some really mean things. Because, and this is important, you can be mean without yelling or hitting (I’m calling you out “gentle parenting”) and you can be firm in order to be heard a little loudly, with respect. (which never includes hitting a person, just to be clear, violence has no place in parenting, even if you call it swatting, etc.)

Finding a balance between “Hey, things cost money” and financial shaming; I never want them to feel like they don’t deserve nice things or that things are more important than how I treat them. So I had to put myself in check again in a major way and seek support within and without of myself because if I am ever not being the parent I want to be, that is on me. I decide how I react and I have done far too much emotional work to keep reacting from this old way of thinking, these old patterns, particularly this time: that money is scarce or on a pedestal and I don’t deserve it and I should feel guilty when I spend it like my mom did. I deserve things. My kids deserve things. We can save for what we want, we can make mistakes. They are kids who do shitty things in learning how to person and it’s my job to grow with these instances instead of project my insecurities and fears on them. If there is anything I am unhappy with in my parenting, I do not sulk, I do not lay around in guilt. I get better, I seek more tools, I ask for help. That is my responsibility.

We work really well together, because I sit with them and apologize, I ask for their input, how can I help you?! The other day. Escher punched Ezekiel, so I pulled Escher away from Z and that hurt Escher’s feelings. Ezekiel felt confident enough to say, even through tears of being hurt “Mom, you didn’t have to do that. You hurt his feelings. Just talk to him next time, okay, just talk to him.” And I said “Thank you. I will, next time I will, that was a really insightful thing to say, I appreciate your perspective.” They help me help them, they are comfortable opposing me and bringing up new ways and I make myself be open to it without labeling it back talk, nobody grows that way. The child shrinks into themselves, losing their voice and the parent continues reacting out of childhood trauma. Don’t stifle your own growth and that of your children.

We all chose each other. When the kids fight, I remind them. Sometimes Z says “I dunno why I chose Escher” When feeling particularly mad and I just frankly say, “Welp, you did, so I guess we will find out in this lifetime. Seems to me like he is already teaching you some important lessons about patience, what a gift.”

I love travelling with my children, through miles of road and miles of life. I love the dynamic we have created. People say “You are so lucky, your kids are so good.” And yes, they are. All kids are inherently good. But this took work, emotional toil, for me to be able to create a platform for this to play out. For their respect and goodness and loveliness not to be stifled by my ego.


Loss of the living

Loss. Loss of people still living is a special kind of pain, there are often reminders around, especially when the one we lose is a family member. Loss is sad and it is necessary.

I don’t  have many close friends, (the 3 I do have are incredible) it’s hard at this level of awareness to be quite honest, when you have xray glasses to people’s emotional health. Everybody is attracted to my light but not able to sustain living in it unless they are ready for the emotional labor that I have already put in.

People grow at different rates, often times they come in for a time and then when their purpose is served, as I believe we all write up contracts before we choose these lives, the agreement ends and we are supposed to let go. This is a delicate territory, nobody tells you how lonely the journey of self discovery is. I have gone through loss of more relationships than I can count. I was going somewhere they could not follow, so I had to learn to release. And something about releasing, we have learned it’s wrong, akin to giving up. But it is everything but giving up. It is time we stop resisting the ending of these contracts, to move on and accept our own growth instead of keeping us small so we can maintain these relationships that have been so important. Don’t let others guilt you into staying small. Move on, grieve, feel feelings, because none of this means it is easy, but it is necessary.
I wrote this is 2015 and have several opportunities to take my own advice:


The self discovery journey is a series of grieving. Grieving is growing, nothing shows you strength like grief. It’s mourning the loss of old habits, of comfort zones and of the people that aren’t ready to go/grow with you. Honor them and their role in your journey, send love, mourn and move on.

We’ve been taught to resist the things that don’t feel good instead of feel them. We build walls, we get stuck, we give our power to our pain, to our anger. But Grieve. Grieve well, grieve messy, feel your feelings, be gentle with yourself, talk about it, seek help, recluse, be present. It’s all okay.


It is okay to move on from people, it is okay to grow apart, release them with love. We simply grow into different time zones, growing one way and growing another. Wether it is a family or a once close friend or a partner, loss is life and you will be okay. You are so supported even when it doesn’t feel good. Be brave, trust your instincts, you know what you have to do. Rise.


It’s my job.



I have been working to reconnect with my kids, to get out of the cycle of consistently being annoyed by them, like they are happening TO me.

I have shifted from annoyance to gratitude.

Thank you for being here.
Thank you for choosing me.
Thank you for showing me where I need to improve.


And it has changed my life. Realizing at a deeper level that all it takes is a shift of perspective and that I, as an adult, have the power and responsibility to do just that.

For example, it was end of day, I was exhausted, we had been out all day in the sun, I was thirsty, tired, hungry and touched out. I was waiting for my brother to come pick us up, which was taking a long time. Instead of focusing on all of that, I just held my girl. And I sang to her and we laughed and I had the best 40 minutes of my life, just being present. Not stressing out or being annoyed. And literally all it took was for me to change my mind. To shift my perspective.

It’s like I tell mothers: Yes. Pregnancy changes your body. You know what it also does? Shows you your strength, allows you to choose a new way of life, let’s you see how powerful and capable you are. All of these are true, so why focus on the negative over anything else? You are only torturing yourself.

But to be all here. To be all available and grateful to my kids, is a work in progress and it’s everything.

Like when Ezekiel was -so mad- at me for not buying a certain thing, Z said “DON’T TALK TO ME. I NEVER WANT TO HEAR A THING YOU SAY EVER AGAIN.”

And I was thinking, “I don’t really want to talk anyway, so I will give you space, whatever.”

Many dirty looks and noises of discontent ensued.

and about 5 minutes later, Z bursts into tears.

Repeating “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I just want to hold you.”

Which I gladly do. As Ezekiel sobs into my chest uncontrollably for the next few minutes as I say “Honey, nothing you do would make me mad at you, nothing you do will make me love you less.”

And that was that, no yelling or raving or punishments or “how dare you!!!” from me, Z just needed some time and needed to be seen, heard and held. That is my job.

It is my job to connect with my children. Why do I force them to listen to me when I don’t listen to them most of the time? What makes me so important that I can overpower them and force them to listen but if they do the same, I explode? No longer will I engage in this manipulation.

Yelling at someone doesn’t even feel good to me, it’s not who I am, but I still fell into that cycle. I wanted to be heard, too. But I realize, that is my inner child crying out and who’s job is it to hold and heal that inner child? ME. MINE.  Not my children or my partner or my dad or my sister…just me.

I feel like I have taken another layer of blinders off, I am growing in new ways. I am happy, my kids are happy. Ezekiel told me about 4,000 times today “I love you mom. I love you so much.” A child who feels heard, seen and understood. My child, who trusts me and encourages me to heal myself. Our unit is so much better for it.